Well

The wonderful day ended up pretty badly. The special lady I hurt basically told me to leave her alone for good, and that she is seeing someone. I love her so much, and I am pretty devastated right now. I'm praying for the strength to get through this, and I know it's God's will. It's just hard because I know how much she loved me at one point, and it wasn't even that long ago, but my addictions and lack of attention drove her away. I hoped that she would be able to see the changes in me, and realize that my addictions were a sickness that I couldn't control, and be able to understand that it wasn't the real me. I had prayed that one day she would be able to get over the pain and see the real me that is now living through Christ and fighting but my addictions. God chose this path for each of us though, and maybe one day His will will let our paths cross again. It hurts so bad losing her. Ironically the part about her seeing someone doesn't even bother me as much as the fact that I pushed her to that point. I understand why she's moved on, and I just kept pushing her farther and farther away. That was God's will too, because the only thing I was doing was fighting for her, fighting to not let her go, fighting to get her to see the way I am changing, but I fought too hard and pushed her farther away than I ever imagined. I can't imagine not being able to talk to her anymore, she was more than more soulmate, girlfriend, and lover, she was my best friend. I don't know losing which part hurts the worst. It's all terrible, but she deserves to be happy. I know she could have been happy with me after I've recovered from the addictions that controlled my life, but I also know that I hurt her too bad to ever get past that. I completely understand why she had to move on, but it still hurts. If I can help one single person avoid going through this by helping them understand their addictions and the way they affect other people, then all my pain was worth it.