Facing my demons

I prayed to find the courage to face my demons, and I purchased a book called "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes. It's been hard, but I've been working my through it. The first 25 pages alone have changed my life. God has given me the strength to face this, and fight it with every ounce of my being.

This book helped me realize that my sexual addiction has been at the root of all my problems. Isolation, work related issues, fear, shame, guilt, and despair. The book shows that stress and big changes can intensify the addiction, and start a downward spiral that you can't recover from until you hit bottom. The book shows that working long hours can intensify the problem, as well as not working at all. I was at both extremes during the past 2 years! The book has helped me see where the problem began, and why it began, and why I was too weak to fight it. I pray constantly that I can be strong and resist my temptations.

The addiction was the cause of me always blaming others for my problems, and the fact that I had completely isolated myself from the people who loved me. And the more they tried to help me, the farther down I crawled into my hole. The book explains how the people that care think that they have to power to stop the addiction, but they can't, and as a result they suffer guilt as well. It's a vicious cycle, and I'm fighting it everyday. I became completely isolated from the real world, and now that I'm back in the real world, I see what I was missing, and never, ever want to experience that Hell again. I pray that God will continue to give me strength and shoulder this burden for me. I learned that each time the cycle starts over, it is stronger, so it is really no wonder that my life continued spiraling downward, and continued to hurt those who loved me worse and worse. I had to hit bottom to realize that I had a form of insanity, and I had to find God to find a way to get help. It's hard to face my past, and it's hard to face the reality of just how badly I've hurt people that are precious to me, but as I work through this, it is already starting to feel better. Just understanding a little bit about my problem is helping tremendously. I'm getting counseled at church, and this book is amazing. I have the courage to face this because I know I'm not doing it alone, no matter what. God is with me in everything I do now, and that is an amazing feeling.


My phone rang early this morning, and I didn't recognize the number. It was local though, so I went ahead and answered it. It was a very nice young man from church, reminding me that a radio program was coming on soon, and that he wanted to let me know he was thinking about me, and praying for me. I had had trouble sleeping all night, I had been anxious and nervous, and fighting my demons, but that one small gesture from a new friend helped more than anyone could imagine. I prayed last night with my pastor that the Lord would give me strength and guidance, and He is doing it with every breath I take. I just put myself in His hands and know that things will be according to His will, and that gives me peace.