Soul Searching

Losing someone you love is extremely hard. Especially when they ask you to cut off all contact. Especially when you're trying everything you can to become a better person, and to make amends. I prayed about it, and God showed me that I have to patient, and allow Him the time to heal this person. God wants me to work on improving myself, and allow His will to be done.

I've begun treatment for Sex Addiction, specifically internet porn. I didn't realize the extent of my problem, and how it made the other person feel until I did some research. It made me realize a lot about my relationships, and why they always have problems. I should have been devoting myself to my partner instead of to external stimuli. I now realize how that made her feel, and I hope one day she will be able to get past it. I have found a couple books that the partners of sex addicts are recommended to read, and I went to buy one of them last night, but it's out of print. I'm going to keep looking for it though, and hopefully someday I can give it her and she can understand that my problem was never about her, it is my problem, and I pray every day now, that I can overcome it. I've had a great start so far. It's a lot easier to resist temptations now the Lord is guiding me in everything I do. I know that my compulsions and selfishness shattered her heart, and there is no way to undo that, I just hope that one day she will read this book and relieve herself of the guilt and shame that came from living with a sex addict. She did nothing wrong in any way, and I pray daily that God will give me the strength and grace to get over the guilt of hurting her and breaking her heart in such a way that she can't even speak to me. I just want her to know that she did nothing wrong, that I had a big problem, and didn't know it, or know how to fix it. It took losing her to open my eyes to that fact. I'm very sad that I didn't realize what I had with her and just how special she was until it was too late, until I had already broken her heart and lost her because of the porn addiction, and the lack of attention. I disrespected her in a lot of ways, and I wasn't there for her much at all. I pray that God will give me the guidance to never hurt anyone like that again, and I pray that He will allow her heart to be mended one day.

A friend of mine has offered to take me up in a small plane later this week, and I can't wait to go. I've spent years depressed, only leaving the house, or getting off the computer or xbox when I had to, but finding Christ again opened my eyes to this beautiful world. I can't wait to get up in that plane and see our world that way.