Great Weekend

After a relatively bad Friday, went to Sonfest at Carowinds Saturday and had a great time. Third Day was awesome, and the guest speaker had a powerful message. He moved me in several ways, and it was inspiring to hear him speak. You could hear just how much the Lord has changed his life in the strength of his voice. His name was Matt Pitt, and he runs Revival in the Basement. It was an amazing story to say the least.

Sunday was amazing too. Church was incredible, and one of the guys there got up in front of the church and told about how seeing the joy on my face during my baptism had inspired the whole church to do more and do better, and he gave details about a discipleship program he is starting. I can't wait to get started with it so I can learn more about helping others. I can't even begin to describe the feeling I got from hearing that I had inspired others by my actions.

Another beautiful day

It's amazing to be able to start a new life, free from your secrets and fears. I never thought I would ever feel like this again. Reconnecting with some old friends and just spending better time with family means so much more than I ever realized. I never truly realized how I alone I really was in my life until this past week. I am truly overwhelmed by all the people that care about me, and want to help me, and they want nothing in return. I'm running out of adjectives to describe all the emotions I've experienced over the past week, but there's not much of a way to describe it anyway. There are no words I could say that would make anyone understand just what I am feeling now. I have crawled from the bottom of dark, terrifying pit to the summit of Mount Everest. I can't describe how strong I feel, having control of my life again, and I can't even begin to describe the strength of my faith. I learned yesterday that our suffering helps us identify more with Christ, and boy have I suffered. I am so happy at what I've been able to accomplish over the past week, and I'm ecstatic about how it makes me feel. Christ has shown me the way, and I'm not sure exactly how or anything, but I am compelled to search for a way to share my story and my testimony. I haven't learned much yet, but so far I identify so much with David, who sinned in every way imagineable, but was still "a man of God's own heart." All the bad times David went through were when he was focused on something other than God, and all his triumphs and glories were at times when he focused only on God and God's strength. I pray daily that I can focus on our Lord and His strength and I know he will light my path to where I am meant to go. I wish I could I describe the depths of my feelings and the strength of my faith now, but there is no way.

Understanding and fighting my addictions also gives me great strength, and I am proud that I have been able to reach this point. It's been hard, but it is worth it to never have to live like that again. I lived in my own personal hell for years, except for short respites here and there, and I never want to feel that way again. God grants me the strength to face my fears and my problems, and there is a lot of help available to fight it. He has led me here today, and it is so wonderful in every way.

Baptism

What a glorious day! I have never felt more peaceful and strong in my life. I am truly in awe of what I'm feeling inside of me. All my suffering just made me that much stronger. Thank you Lord, for this blessed gift of salvation.

Moving forward

Yesterday afternoon, I was asked to answer some very difficult questions about my relationship. She asked some very tough questions, and said she needed honest answers to be able to heal. She told me to please not look at this as her reaching out to me in any way, but I don't understand how she can ask me to reach out to her like that. I feel like we need to reach out to each other, and face this together, or just let it go. Even if it's just to be able to understand everything that happened, and why it happened and to have closure. We should be able to reach out to each other and discuss this with the intentions of helping each other, not just me helping her because I hurt her. I need help too. We should just try to help each other face the issue, without any other intentions behind it...not to get back together, or not to even be friends one day, but just to help each other get past this mess. I prayed about it, and God wants me to try to help her, even it might be one-sided. I am not asking her to reach out to me or to do anything at all, but I don't know that a one-sided answer session will help her the way she needs to be helped. I pray for God to be her strength in this, and to be able to face her fears.

I went out with someone last night. It was fun, we watched that Twilight movie and got pizza. The movie was decent, and the company was good. She wants to see me again, but I am going through so much right now, that I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just praying for God to guide me, and be my strength in everything that I do, and I know He will show the way. I like this girl, and she's attractive, and we have a lot in common, but even just hugging her at the end of the date didn't feel right to me, and that's not fair to her. I know this is what I need to do to be able to move on, but I can't live with hurting anyone else. I guess I'll just have to take it slow and see what happens, but right now I can't imagine even kissing anyone.

Peace

I prayed about my problems, and grabbed my mp3 player and went out to mow the grass. I just reflected on everything that has happened in my life, and how my life go to where it is right now. I paid attention to the grass, and the trees, and the birds, and just took in everything out there. I realized that I have been missing so much in my life because of my addictions. I know I can beat this, and I know I'll never be alone again. I've been reading so much, and learning so much. This new life in Christ is given me countless ways to channel my energy and beat my addictions. I've been reading an awesome book about David, and how he was a terrible sinner, but he overcame everything and was called a man of God's own heart. I realize now what that means. I'm basically having to tear down everything I thought I knew about myself and start over, because I know that the person that's been inside this body for however long wasn't me. I am overwhelmed at times with emotions, good and bad. The bad ones come mostly from knowing how things turned out with the person I love, but I know I hurt her and she is hurt too bad to ever get to know the new me. I am growing in so many ways though, and it feels incredible. I never knew I could feel this way. I finally understand what it means to have true peace and freedom. No matter what happens from here on out, I WILL beat these addictions and I WILL do good in God's world, and I am so full of positive energy. Freedom from your sins, burdens, troubles, and demons is an amazing thing, and I wish everyone could feel what I've been feeling since I got saved.

Rough Night

I had an extremely rough night, but I prayed a lot and was able to get through it. I wrote a short simple note to my ex, letting her know that I appreciated her honesty about moving on, and thanking her for everything she has helped me achieve. I had to do it to be able to let her go. It's been hard all week thinking there was a chance, but knowing deep down there was very little if any at all. She finally found the strength to tell me that she had moved on, and I had a very hard time with it, and I still do. I prayed and prayed and prayed, and God inspired me to write this simple little letter to her, thanking her, and allowing us both to move on. Her honesty helped me find peace with all that has happened. It's better knowing the truth, no matter how painful it is. I'm going to have to find something to do to occupy my time today, because my mind is a whirlwind right now. She let me know that she and her new friend (a guy) were going to a relay for life event that I had planned on going to tonight, she said she wasn't trying to hurt me, that they had planned it before she knew I was going. I don't know if I can handle seeing her with someone else, but I am going to pray to find the strength to face that fear. I need to go to this event for my own sake, and be with my church, but I don't know if I can take a chance on seeing her with someone else. Talking to her last night helped me realize a lot of things, I'm sorry she moved on, but I understand why she had to. Our relationship wasn't healthy for her in a lot of ways, and she deserves nothing but the best. I hope she finds happiness in every single way. God has blessed this woman in so many ways, and He blessed me by bringing her into my life to help me find Him. I miss her and I love her, but I know why it has to be like this. I just let her know how much she meant to me, and thanked her for being honest, and told her if she ever needed anything, that I was here for her. Just knowing that God has put people like her on this earth to help people like me is a wonderful feeling. Hopefully, I will be able to move on now that I faced this reality of her moving on, it's going to be hard. I definitely don't need to date anyone for a while, but I am so lonely, so I don't know what I should do. I guess I will just pray that God will help fill that loneliness until it's time for me to find someone. I pray that He will give me the strength to get through this, and I'm thankful to have that power back in my life. I don't know what might have happened to me if I hadn't found Him, because I can't imagine going through this without Him. God bless anyone that reads this, and if you even think you have an addiction or aren't doing right for the people you love, please get help before you lose everything. My addictions have caused me to lose everything that's ever meant anything to me, but I have God with me now, and He will show me the way.

Well

The wonderful day ended up pretty badly. The special lady I hurt basically told me to leave her alone for good, and that she is seeing someone. I love her so much, and I am pretty devastated right now. I'm praying for the strength to get through this, and I know it's God's will. It's just hard because I know how much she loved me at one point, and it wasn't even that long ago, but my addictions and lack of attention drove her away. I hoped that she would be able to see the changes in me, and realize that my addictions were a sickness that I couldn't control, and be able to understand that it wasn't the real me. I had prayed that one day she would be able to get over the pain and see the real me that is now living through Christ and fighting but my addictions. God chose this path for each of us though, and maybe one day His will will let our paths cross again. It hurts so bad losing her. Ironically the part about her seeing someone doesn't even bother me as much as the fact that I pushed her to that point. I understand why she's moved on, and I just kept pushing her farther and farther away. That was God's will too, because the only thing I was doing was fighting for her, fighting to not let her go, fighting to get her to see the way I am changing, but I fought too hard and pushed her farther away than I ever imagined. I can't imagine not being able to talk to her anymore, she was more than more soulmate, girlfriend, and lover, she was my best friend. I don't know losing which part hurts the worst. It's all terrible, but she deserves to be happy. I know she could have been happy with me after I've recovered from the addictions that controlled my life, but I also know that I hurt her too bad to ever get past that. I completely understand why she had to move on, but it still hurts. If I can help one single person avoid going through this by helping them understand their addictions and the way they affect other people, then all my pain was worth it.

What a wonderful day

Praise God for this day. I feel like I'm learning so much about everything. I'm almost overwhelmed with various emotions, both good and bad, but Christ is guiding me every step of the way. I'm having lunch tomorrow with Jose, my new friend from church. I've talked a lot to some really good people today, and it helps just getting things out in the open. I don't have to hide my addiction any longer, and it's an amazing feeling having it out in the open, so that I can get help without being ashamed or feeling guilt. I spoke to someone about the guilt I was having about hurting my special someone, and he said "I'd be willing to bet that joy over your renewed connection with Him far outweighs any frustration and/or sadness she's felt about your past together." That really put a lot of things in perspective, and helped relieve some of my pain, shame, and guilt over the hurt I have caused her. Everything is a learning process, and it's great having people who genuinely care as your family in Christ. I'm struggling with my lonliness and it's a constant struggle not to seek some cheap thrill, so I've prayed a lot about that. I've been pornography free for 4 full days now. It's a great feeling, and fighting that addiction is opening up a wonderful world.

Facing my demons

I prayed to find the courage to face my demons, and I purchased a book called "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes. It's been hard, but I've been working my through it. The first 25 pages alone have changed my life. God has given me the strength to face this, and fight it with every ounce of my being.

This book helped me realize that my sexual addiction has been at the root of all my problems. Isolation, work related issues, fear, shame, guilt, and despair. The book shows that stress and big changes can intensify the addiction, and start a downward spiral that you can't recover from until you hit bottom. The book shows that working long hours can intensify the problem, as well as not working at all. I was at both extremes during the past 2 years! The book has helped me see where the problem began, and why it began, and why I was too weak to fight it. I pray constantly that I can be strong and resist my temptations.

The addiction was the cause of me always blaming others for my problems, and the fact that I had completely isolated myself from the people who loved me. And the more they tried to help me, the farther down I crawled into my hole. The book explains how the people that care think that they have to power to stop the addiction, but they can't, and as a result they suffer guilt as well. It's a vicious cycle, and I'm fighting it everyday. I became completely isolated from the real world, and now that I'm back in the real world, I see what I was missing, and never, ever want to experience that Hell again. I pray that God will continue to give me strength and shoulder this burden for me. I learned that each time the cycle starts over, it is stronger, so it is really no wonder that my life continued spiraling downward, and continued to hurt those who loved me worse and worse. I had to hit bottom to realize that I had a form of insanity, and I had to find God to find a way to get help. It's hard to face my past, and it's hard to face the reality of just how badly I've hurt people that are precious to me, but as I work through this, it is already starting to feel better. Just understanding a little bit about my problem is helping tremendously. I'm getting counseled at church, and this book is amazing. I have the courage to face this because I know I'm not doing it alone, no matter what. God is with me in everything I do now, and that is an amazing feeling.


My phone rang early this morning, and I didn't recognize the number. It was local though, so I went ahead and answered it. It was a very nice young man from church, reminding me that a radio program was coming on soon, and that he wanted to let me know he was thinking about me, and praying for me. I had had trouble sleeping all night, I had been anxious and nervous, and fighting my demons, but that one small gesture from a new friend helped more than anyone could imagine. I prayed last night with my pastor that the Lord would give me strength and guidance, and He is doing it with every breath I take. I just put myself in His hands and know that things will be according to His will, and that gives me peace.

Church

Just got home from church. It is awesome. I already feel like part of a big, loving family. I didn't realize how much I missed not having people to talk to. For years, the only people I've talked to are family and the various people I encountered at work. It feels amazing to have a lot of people who are there to listen and help. God couldn't have brought me to a better place. A special person planted this seed in me and now it's finally growing. I praise God every day for bringing me to Him. It is a wonderful feeling. People tried to tell me, but I always brushed it aside, unwilling to listen. God had a time for me to come to Him, and I am loving His strength and His guidance. Prayer is an amazing tool.

Soul Searching

Losing someone you love is extremely hard. Especially when they ask you to cut off all contact. Especially when you're trying everything you can to become a better person, and to make amends. I prayed about it, and God showed me that I have to patient, and allow Him the time to heal this person. God wants me to work on improving myself, and allow His will to be done.

I've begun treatment for Sex Addiction, specifically internet porn. I didn't realize the extent of my problem, and how it made the other person feel until I did some research. It made me realize a lot about my relationships, and why they always have problems. I should have been devoting myself to my partner instead of to external stimuli. I now realize how that made her feel, and I hope one day she will be able to get past it. I have found a couple books that the partners of sex addicts are recommended to read, and I went to buy one of them last night, but it's out of print. I'm going to keep looking for it though, and hopefully someday I can give it her and she can understand that my problem was never about her, it is my problem, and I pray every day now, that I can overcome it. I've had a great start so far. It's a lot easier to resist temptations now the Lord is guiding me in everything I do. I know that my compulsions and selfishness shattered her heart, and there is no way to undo that, I just hope that one day she will read this book and relieve herself of the guilt and shame that came from living with a sex addict. She did nothing wrong in any way, and I pray daily that God will give me the strength and grace to get over the guilt of hurting her and breaking her heart in such a way that she can't even speak to me. I just want her to know that she did nothing wrong, that I had a big problem, and didn't know it, or know how to fix it. It took losing her to open my eyes to that fact. I'm very sad that I didn't realize what I had with her and just how special she was until it was too late, until I had already broken her heart and lost her because of the porn addiction, and the lack of attention. I disrespected her in a lot of ways, and I wasn't there for her much at all. I pray that God will give me the guidance to never hurt anyone like that again, and I pray that He will allow her heart to be mended one day.

A friend of mine has offered to take me up in a small plane later this week, and I can't wait to go. I've spent years depressed, only leaving the house, or getting off the computer or xbox when I had to, but finding Christ again opened my eyes to this beautiful world. I can't wait to get up in that plane and see our world that way.

Taking advantage

It took me a long time to realize this, but I finally understand what it means to take advantage of every single moment that God has given us. I have missed so many things in the past, for various reasons, and excuses mostly. But I can never have those moments back, and now I finally realize that each of God's moments is a gift, and we should embrace them.

Patience and Strength

Have been struggling with patience lately, and understanding why I needed to be patient. I prayed about it several times, and found some verses to help me understand it. Patience is a characteristic of Christ, and when we are patient, we are more like him. Being patient makes us stronger. When we are being tested, and putting our hopes and dreams in the hands of God, part of what we are learning is to be patient.


Those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31

That verse really enforced what being patient means to me. I pray that God will give me the strength and grace to be patient in all ways, and allow Him to guide me in all situations.

God's Grace

Had some car trouble today, and had to get my old truck towed home. Gonna start working on it soon. Luckily I have another vehicle.

Had the most peaceful few hours that I've had in a long time. Went to a park and walked around the track for over an hour just taking enjoying God's beautiful day. Some children were playing ball, and the sounds of laughter and joy made my quiet walk even better. I never realized how therapeutic a long walk could be. My back is on fire, but it was worth every second of pain I feel.

I can't wait til Sunday when I get baptised, and get to go to a cookout with some old friends I have lost touch with. I never realized how much peace and harmony I could feel simply from accepting Christ back into my life. All the emptiness is gone, the burdens are gone. I realized that I don't need anything other than His Grace and His Spirit in me to be happy. It's amazing how one moment in time can change so much about a simple human being.

Reaffirming my life to Christ

Yesterday afternoon, I made the biggest positive change in my life I could ever imagine. I prayed for my heart to open itself back up to The Lord. I accepted Christ into my life again, and I'm getting baptized next Sunday. I should have done this a long time ago. There is no way to describe the feeling I got. The weight of the world was lifted off. Christ relieved me of my burdens. I want to get involved with things at church and help make a difference for people. I'm tired of being an observer of life, I want to start living it. It took losing someone very dear to me for me to realize just how low I had sunk. I've never been a bad person, I just wasn't allowing Jesus to walk with me every step of my life. It was the most amazing feeling when I accepted him back in. So peaceful, so calm, totally oblivious to the things going on around me.

I was feeling trouble and having thoughts of hurting myself, and I reached out to a wonderful Pastor who helped me get back to Jesus. I will never be able to thank this wonderful man enough. Every single person in the church made me feel so welcome. It felt like a huge family, you could feel the love and caring in the room. The funny part was that I didn't know anyone there except for the Pastor and his wife. I thought I would be nervous going in front of all those strangers, but the Lord was carrying me. My feet didn't touch the ground. My Pastor put his arms around me and prayed for me, it was the most amazing feeling I've ever had. My Pastor broke down and was sobbing when he was introducing me to the church. He has known me a long time, and he has known I was troubled. He told the church that he had been praying for this day, and he was tickled to death and honored that I asked him to help me find Christ again. There wasn't a dry eye in the church, and everyone welcomed me so warmly afterwards.

People began telling me how much their lives had changed after doing what I had just done, and I was overwhelmed with peace and joy. I knew right then that was the first few minutes of the beginning of something wonderful. I can't wait to get back to church, I can't wait to get baptised, and I can't wait to begin learning as much as I can through Christ's will. He was there for me all along, and I denied Him. It's any amazing feeling to let Him back in and start living my life for the right reasons. There have been many reasons for me being the person I was, and now it's time to forgive people and forget those reasons and begin my walk with Christ.

I was able to talk to my father last night about something that happened that I had never been able to forgive him for. It was a good talk, and I was finally able to forgive him, and that was an amazing feeling.

I plan on beginning some Bible studies, notably about forgiveness, peace, treating others better, and helping people less fortunate than we are. I am going to keep track of my growth with God on this blog. It will be interesting to be able to see just how far I've come, and have it documented. And if it inspires someone else somehow...that's even better. God Bless you.

One Year Ago

one year ago yesterday, I met the love of my life, and I can't imagine being without her. She's so wonderful in so many ways, she's my lover and best friend, and soulmate. I'm very lucky. She takes very good care of me too.

Landon Johnson

Really like this signing, this guy graduated HS with a 4.0 GPA, and led the Bengals in tackles 3 out of 4 years. Sounds a lot like a slightly better version of Will Witherspoon. Hopefully we can take care of the defensive line and let some fast playmaking linebackers take over. Still worried about losing Kris Jenkins, but we'll see.

What I'm Reading

The Last Precinct by Patricia Cornwell

Some major developments in Kay Scarpetta's life, she's being scapegoated and ran out of town, not to mention she was attacked and almost killed by a freaky serial killer.